When Love Hurts

The pressure we place upon ourselves to conform to society shouldn’t be underestimated. We are conditioned to adhere to a set of social expectations. But, are we conscious of these expectations, and do they really matter?

Expectations can starts at a very young age through our families teaching us right from wrong. As we get older those same values and expectations become more complex. This happens through the influence of Religion, the news, social media, our peers and so forth.

The most significant impact of conditioning on our lives happens via the educational system. Through the reinforcement of the divide between the sexes.

For example, uniforms which impress upon children unity and equality, also reflects the binary notion of masculinity and femininity. Uniforms look benign, but the impact and connotations reinforce bigger ideologies.

On the backbone of this, schools also impose societal expectations through the below examples:

• PE Lessons which are divided by gender. i.e. Boys are to play rugby, girls are to play netball .
• Textbooks and the contents of lesson can reinforce societal beliefs and values. These often align with the dominant cultural narrative. i.e.. Religion or the states view.
• Discipline. Which is given to a child who doesn’t conform to school rules.
• Peer pressure

Again, the undertone from all of this is planting the idea of what is expected from a boy and a girl, especially when they leave school

How are the rules and expectations reinforced?

In short this is something the children learn through feelings of shame and embarrassment via punishment or bullying. Unfortunately, a child does not need to experience this first hand to be motivated to avoid these feelings. Simply watching someone being punished can reinforce what would happen if they were to do it.

The underlying lesson children lean at school is to associate punishment with non conformity. This is a good thing when it comes to rules like stealing, disrupting class, lying or bullying. But it also suppresses children’s need to express themselves and challenge archaic sexist ideologies.

Children who see things in simple terms of right and wrong can fear exclusion and judgement for being different.

Test

How do you feel about running late for work?

Seriously think about this for a minute. What emotions do you feel, do you have any physical symptoms?

You may fear being told off. Your hands may start to sweat, maybe your heart starts racing and a list of excuses spring to your mind.

In reality your boss may not even notice you are late. They may not care or could actually be really understanding of the situation.

The feelings you experienced thinking about being late are not rational. These feelings come from a memory. A memory of a time when you would have been disciplined for not conforming as a child. In the past you could have have experienced being shamed, embarrassed, humiliated or bullied by peers for being late.

As an adult this very rarely happens, and if it does, its now classed as abuse.

Basically the feelings you feel now about being late, do not always align with your current reality.

What did you learn?

All individuals leaving education have certain expectations placed upon them depending on if they are female or male. These are: find a job, marry someone, have children.

These are known expectations which have been instilled in all children from a very young age. Most of these pressures and expectations are deemed very normal, natural and unquestionable by the individual.

Remember children associate questioning the rules with being different, and will result in punishment.

Female Expectations

• To be the main caregiver including raising children, managing household chores and providing emotional support to family members
• To prioritise family’s needs over a career, hobbies, ambition or personal goals.
• To be thin, youthful, physically attractive and well groomed.
• Barriers in workplaces including lower pay, fewer leadership opportunities and comments concerning competence.
• Judgement for openly expressing their sexuality.
• To obey their partner.

Male Expectations

• Providing financial support and stability leading to prioritisation of work over other aspects of their lives
• Suppressing emotions and vulnerabilities to uphold traditional notions of masculinity, stoicism and toughness.
• Embody traits associated with power, control and dominance such as assertiveness and being physically fit. This can contribute to aggression and violence amongst men.
• Leader and decision maker in both professional and domestic life.
• Expectation of prioritising career over raising children which can hinder bonding.

The impact of Societal Expectations on Leaving a Toxic Relationship

Societal expectations can have a big impact upon a person who is deciding to leave a toxic relationship. The individual needs to come to terms with going against what society expects of them. And this mean coming to terms with feeling guilty or responsible for their partners well-being.

Female Perspective

A woman could leave have limited financial resources and may fear judgement or social stigma for leaving their marriage. This can be internalised as a failure to fulfil their role as a wife or mother.

Male Perspective

Men fear the stigma associated with expressing vulnerability. Unfortunately this can prevent them from acknowledging the toxicity of their marriage or seek help.

Men are often expected to maintain a certain image of strength and authority. Any attack on this image can shut down a man and prevent them from acknowledging or addressing problems

The fear of financial instability and failure can also make men perceive divorce as a threat. A threat to their status, identity or ego.

Societies Treatment of Individuals

Treatment of people who don’t conform can vary widely. Factors such as culture and where a person lives can have a big impact on an individuals experience. A person may experience social stigma, additional pressure to conform, isolation and even alienation.

But on the flip side non-conforming individuals can challenge and advocate for social change through resistance and activism. They can promote awareness and acceptance of marginalized individuals and experiences, thus changing the future and the stigma of others.

These expectations are not a reason to stay within a toxic relationship. Challenging and redefining these expectations is essential for building a future of equality and inclusivity. This is not easy as some of these expectations have been ingrained into all of us from a young age.
As an adult there is no head teacher or parent waiting to discipline an individual for not conforming. The Police will not be interested in pursuing a claim as no crime has been committed. No punishment should be forthcoming from your religious background for ignoring these values.
Fear of retribution from a partner, family member, religious group, ethnic group or friend is indicative of abuse. Fear should not be tolerated and reported, but do take any threats seriously.

Each individual has the right to choose their own life’s values without others injecting their will or opinions upon them.

What did we learn:

Don’t let societal expectations keep you from leaving a toxic relationship.

Understand that social expectations have been put in place through conditioning over many years.

Societal expectations are like a cage inside your mind. Built by the individual through various experiences, but not based on the adult world or reality.

Once the bars become visible, plot your escape, break the bars and start leading a more peaceful life.